How can I get past this day...

August 26th was going to be such a great day! The day we bring our baby girl into the world. Well now all I can do is hope this day passes by fast. Each time I think about it I start to cry. I tell myself,"You can get over this. It's jut another day." But the day creeps closer and closer. 

I miss her. These last 4 months have gone by to fast. I feel horrible because I have been working working working and taking care of Caleb. I haven't had much time to sit and really think about her.

Day by day...

Each second gets better, each minute gets better, each hour gets better, each day gets better, each week gets better, and each month gets better. I go though these pictures of our last moments together and I cry. I cry for joy that we were with her. That she met her brother and that she wasn't by herself. I know now she's in a better place. And I keep thinking why couldn't we just have one more day??

I thank God for all the RT's, Nurses, and Doctor that helped take care of her. They we her care taker BUT they have found a spot in our hearts as part of our family. With out them I would have had no time with her. So agian, I thank God for all of them.

For tonight I hope tight to her teddy and blanket and fall fast asleep as I dream of the next time I will see her.

We love you baby girl!

XoxO

Never ending feeling....

I miss my little Emily.

I ran into a mother (I think I have posted about her before on here) that was at the Riley NICU during Emily's stay. She had twin boys. One pasted away before Emily did. When I saw her today on my lunch break she told me her other little one past away a few days after Emily.

We exchanged numbers. I hope we can get together and talk.

I wish the best for them....

I will never stop...

I never stop thinking about you my little sweet pea. Mommy and daddy loves you very much. I will never forget the first time I saw you, the first time I touched you, the first time I saw your eyes open, the first time I changed your diaper and the first time I held you close to my skin. And I will not forget how peaceful you looked the day you passed on to a better place. Our love was short but greater than any love could ever be. Rest now my little one. Watch over you big brother and keep him safe.

Hardest night ever

Last night was my hardest night ever. I woke up many times grabbing my phone to call the NICU to check on her. I had to remind my self each time. I slept with her purple blanket by my face last night. All my emotions are running wild. To many things to think about and to many things that need to be done.

She lives forever...

Caleb met his little sister today. He didn't know what to think about her. Her poked her arm and then her face. When she moved he jerked his hand back. Then he kissed her on her forehead. Emily was having a muscle spasm and Caleb thought she was waving to him. He waved back at her. It was the sweetest thing ever!

This afternoon, Emily Rae-Ann passes away peacefully in mommy and daddy's arms. She lives forever! May she be in peace and watch over us.

We love you Emily. You will forever be missed but always thought of!

so loved...

Emily's blood gases aren't very good. And her oxygen levels are very stable. Her belly is still very uncomfortable for her. The suction tube isn't getting any of the contrast out of her belly. It's stuck. :( She is has started to retained fluids again... I don't think we have had a step forward in a while. It's been many steps backwards....

Blah....

Whelp... contrast study pretty much showed us what is wrong with her belly. (What the doctor pretty much already knew). Her bowls are blocked. The contrast that they put down really put some stress on her body. Today they had to go up 2 on her pip. :( Her oxygen levels were a lot higher today because of how her belly felt. That contrast to sat in her belly. It should of moved out of her belly by the end of last night. Just show how sick she really is. They had to put the suction tube back in her belly to get the contrast out because it's not coming out the bottom. She was more unstable today than she has ever been. What a ruff day for her. hey have been checking her blood gas ever 4 hours today because of her blood gas being so bad.

When I came in they had made her a bracelet. It had her name and a lady bug on it. SOOOOO cute! They are so good to her. They have been so wonderful. Tonight I played dress up. We found the cutest shirt! It said... "so loved" I held her for the first time wrapped up like a baby instead of kangaroo. :) I even gave her lots of kisses! It was nice to be able to see her face and to look at her face with out the suction tube in her mouth. She's so big now. Even though she only gained 1lbs 2oz she's soooo big. She's a different baby.

WE LOVE YOU EMILY! Sleep tight... Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Could it be?

Today Emily pooped 2 times. We dont' know what that means. But she did it. The sergeons want her to poop a few more times before we try anything else becuase there are so many things that this could be.

She's up to 1070 grams today. Her OFC stayed the same. And she's jsut hanging out.

I held her again today. I love my little girl.

One day...

One day I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

So hard to watch...

I watched the little boy Owen come off the Jet ventilator today and go on to the conventional one. My poor little Emily is on the Jet. They don't see her coming off it any time soon. Owen was born at 24 weeks and was a twin. His twin didn't make it, and he's doing good. How ever there was only 1 little Emily and she's doing worse then he.

She's up to 1012grams! :) Her penrose came out all the way today. Her belly looks bigger. And more dusky.

I held her today. She is so STINKY! She's 6 weeks old and hasn't had a bath yet.

another day

Emily's belly is still the same. No better and no worse. They are still backing out her penrose each day. Nothing coming out of that. She is 6 weeks old and still can't eat. BUT the good news is she is gaining... gaining... gaining.. today she was up to 990grams! 2lbs 3ozs. Wow! She was just 1lb 5ozs when she was born. Her head has also started to grow. She was born at 21cm and now up to 23.1cm today. 7 days ago she was still 21cm. She must of finally hit a growth spurt. If we could just feed her some milk. Her vent settings are still the same.

I held her agian today. She did pretty good! She loves being with her momma.

Busy few days

Haven't had much time to blog between Caleb, Emily, working a few hours each day to getting yard sale ready and having it.

Miss Emily has had a great few stable days. Her belly is still really big (not good). She had the suction removed tuesday and her belly swelled wednesday. Nothing is moving around and still no dirty diapers. The doctor is very worried that it will never work. And that if we wanted to do the surgery that they would find what they are worried about, that her bowle is completely dead or most of it would be. And the fact that she might not survive the surgery. But her lungs, heart rate and blood pressures the same. Her penrose still gets back out a little each day. Nothing came out of it tonight.

She's up to 2lbs 1oz tonight! :) My little fatty! :) You could see her little but cheeks!

I held her again tonight. I love holding her. A good friend of mine got some really good pictures of me holding her tonight. Her "outfit" for the day. Cute lady bugs, black and red blankets. With the CUTEST Lady Bug hat.

Yard sale went really good. We will be doing it agian next Thrusday and Friday. Alot of good things still left. We had so many wonderful friends and family donate for her. We are so very thankful!

Some day soon

When I went to see Emily today her belly was a lot bigger. They just stopped the suction tube yesterday! They did and x-ray this morning and nothing seem alarming at the time. This afternoon when I was about to leave to get Caleb they asked me to take her temp before I leave. So i did. It was 1 degree lower than it should be. We checked it on the other arm, yep, the SAME. When we flipped her over her belly looked MUCH bigger than when I first got there. Each time the nurse touched her belly she pulled her arms and legs in and squinted in pain. We took her temp one more time. It was a little better but not much.

The doctors told me they were gonna give her a little longer off suction and re-check tomorrow. It was so hard to leave her tonight, but I had to get home to Caleb.

Please send an extra prayer to her tonight.

Found more support...

Tonight I sat down and found some good support groups. I can't wait to talk to some of the other families.

She's had a pretty good day. Pretty stable. For now laying in bed thinking of my little girl! And how much we love her. Like my aunt always said "To the moon and back!"

What beautiful face!

Today when I wen to see her she had a lot of things done. Poor girl it wore her all out! The re-taped her tube. The FIRST time I saw her with out all that tape on her pretty little face. She looks so different. The process of re-tapeing is more than I thought, it took a while. She did so well! She didn't brady at all and was only on 32% oxygen. Then I picked her up by myself and held her in my hands while they changed her bed. Then I changed her diaper, took her temp, change the biox thingy, and changed her penrose gauze. She did really well with that. Then after she finally settled down x-ray came to get a x-ray of her chest to make sure the tube was in the right spot. After that she settled down and the person came up to re-dress her dressing on her central line. Poor girl! Surgery came up to look at her and they are still concerned with her gut. They took the suction tube out that goes to her belly and replaced with a g-tube. In a few days if everything still looks about they same they will do a contrast study, where they take x-ray over and over  as it moves through her belly. They do this to see if it's moving and if it isn't where about did it stop. That's all that will tell. It will say "hey she's ready to start feeds again" or "hey she's not ready for them" They also are backing out the penrose each day little by little.

But she did really well after that!

Once that was done we just spent time together. She held on to my finger tight for a long time. She's such a good girl when mommas around! ;)

<3

Lots of love today

Tonight when we visited her she was getting some blood. She was very active. She has been around 25-40% oxygen today. She's been a good girl. She had lots of visitors today. She got to meet her Aunts and Uncles!

When will this end?

The emotions... The anger... The heart break... The sadness... The overwhelming sense of feeling guilty.... Guilty that I did something wrong... what if... I could of stoped it... what if... I didn't carry Caleb to and from the car... what if... I wouldn't of worked out in the yard that weekend... What if... I didn't bug the doctors to get up and go to the bathroom... what if... I would of just stayed in bed upside down.

What IF!

The greatest feeling...

A mothers touch...

Emily has had a good night tonight. I held her for 2 hours. Her skin to my skin. She did really well. She only had 1 brady only because We had to push her tube back in a few cm because it was coming out. She held her temp really well. The emotions running through my head. I head my baby for the first time since she was born 5 weeks ago! 5 weeks... it's was so hard to walk in everyday and see these other families bathe, feed, change diapers, take temps and hold their babys. I eventually was able to change her diaper and take her temp. And tonight was even better then when I got to change change her diaper and hold her up while they changed her bed. I held her right up aganist me today.

She weighed 1lb 13oz today. When we left she did really well. She has been sleeping and one 40% oxygen and now bradys or desats. She's happy now because she heard my heart beat for the first time in 5 weeks.

Tonight's the night

Tonight Josh and I will get to hold our little princess.